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Personal Experiences

I have been subjected to awful abuse, disgusting, degrading and sometimes it didnt seem too bad, but what I will say is- when I left for good, I felt 100 times better about myself... yes it took time, and I'm still healing from some of it, to the point that there are still triggers which spark a response in me, which I detest as I see it as an intrusion to my happy life.

​You can be assured – All names have been changed, please be aware that swear words are used throughout and reader discretion is advised.

The Ring
Tied by apron strings

The Ring

 

And no it isn’t in relation to the classic horror, but the events afterwards were pretty disturbing none the less.

So he decided he wanted me to feel like I “belonged” with him so suggested we get engaged, I was delighted but after only 3 months it was a tad whirlwind especially after his jealous tantrums.

I thought that wearing a ring might settle him down a bit, and let him know I wasn’t going anywhere, unfortunately it turned out it was just another stick to beat me with as it will become clear soon enough.

We go to a local shopping centre which has a lovely jewellery shop, and we are looking in the window, not for rings at this point,  I was looking at necklaces, pretty much the only jewellery I wear (apart from my wedding band and engagement ring now!) when he said “What do you think to this ring?”

I looked and it was a bit over the top for my liking, so I pointed to a different one nearly a hundred pounds cheaper and said “I prefer that one” smiling at him and then walked away again to look at the necklaces, “Come on then, lets get it!”

I looked at him and my jaw must have hit the floor, because he said “Why do you look so surprised?”

My response was to shake my head and run up to him and hug him, he shrugged me off embarrassed and walked into the shop.

“can I look at a ring in the window please?”  The lady went to get the one I had pointed out and she beamed at me and said “How exciting, is it what I think its for?”

I looked up at David, and he just went pink, the lady said “Have you asked her yet?”

He replied “Not yet I will do later” She smiled again at me and I tried the ring she was holding out, it was a bit loose but not enough to adjust so he paid and said thank you, leading me out of the shop, I was bouncing all over the place smiling feeling special, then when we got to the car he handed me the bag and said “You can put it on now if you want”

I was too happy to notice he hadn’t asked me “The question” so I put it on and we went to see Daniel to tell him, he was at his mums.

When we got there Sarah answered the door, she called to Daniel, who was upstairs.

She asked if we were ok, and he said “Yep, just got Karen a ring” So I showed her, and didn’t get the response I expected at all, she whirled round and glared at David and said “So why didn’t I get one?”

“Because I didn’t want to give you one!”

I was mortified, I wanted the ground to swallow me up, in less than 5 minutes he had managed to alienate me from Sarah.

I apologised and sat on my hand, wishing I was anywhere but here.

Eventually Daniel came down saw the ring shrugged and said goodbye, I was a bit disappointed, I thought that it would be a happy event, goodness knows why, he had already showed himself up to be a jealous idiot, had a weird relationship with the mother of his only child, and dissed his mother in every word he could utter about her, why did I see this as anything but a control exercise?

In the next few weeks, we had another incident, I had been on Facebook, and I hadn’t realised this was a mortal sin too, so when I mentioned it, he went mad.

We happened to be in the car on the way back from the city, we were travelling along back roads due to a diversion so it was bumpy and right next to a dyke, he was getting more and more angry, the angrier he became the faster he went, “I don’t know why you have to be on that shit site, it’s for cheaters and for those with something to hide!”

I said “Don’t be silly, if you were on there I’d be friends with you and you would see everything that I was doing and who I was talking to!”

 

“You wouldn’t catch me dead on the fucking thing, noting good comes from it, and I don’t want you on there either”

“Well im sorry you feel like that, but I want to stay in contact with my friends, its not like I ever go and visit them, so I just chat on there every now and then”

“Best you give me back my ring then”

“What?! Why?!

“Because you obviously don’t really love me or you wouldn’t want to be on there chatting up men”

“Oh for goodness sake, I don’t do that anyway! The people I talk to are my friends, that’s all!”

“I don’t know that do I? So I want the ring back, now.”

So I took it off, by this time completely frustrated and confused, crying, hurt that I wasn’t trusted yet again, and for him to take back the ring was so cruel, I knew I didn’t want it back, but in time it was given back, but not for months and only when he thought I might be losing interest.

It’s so weird how such a small item can have such a hold over you, especially when wielded by someone who is supposed to love and cherish you, It was only after I left that I realised he had never asked me to marry him, so legally the ring was mine and I did what most people would have done, sold it in the hope it would bring more luck to the next owner.

 

To the person now with my ex, if he shows you the rings from his past, the white gold band with a diamond was from me, do what you like with it, he only collects them as souvenirs.

 

 

 

 

Sexual Torture


 

Sexual torture.

 

From the outset this is sexually explicit and not for younger readers.

Descriptive writing about a true life sexual abuse encounter.

Reader discretion advised.

The most degrading part of the relationship was practically having to beg for sex, here I was a 32 year old having sex twice a month if I was lucky, and then there was no kissing, no foreplay, he used to tickle my shoulder and that would let me know he was in the mood, and then I would have to do everything.

If I ever tried to start anything when he wasn’t in the mood or tried to get him interested after he climaxed he would just look at me and say “it’s about QUALITY not QUANTITY” it wouldn’t be so bad but there was no quality in anything he did.

So in the beginning it wasn’t so bad we had sex about two or three times a week, and then after 6 months it petered out to twice a month, and when I pointed it out he got angry and said “Oh we are keeping count now are we?”

So it was pointless mentioning it, he constantly talked about his waning libido and said he should get some Viagra to “Keep me happy”.

I don’t know when it started but there came a point when I said “is there anything you wanted to try?” because I was sure he was losing interest completely, he said no at that point, but introduced a wine bottle, he seemed to like using objects to penetrate, which I had no objection to (at least he was showing interest)

But then he wanted to use the big end, and really hurt me, due to not using lubrication or even bothering with foreplay, it tore me, I was sore for days, well I guess I wasn’t pestering him for sex.

Next came something I had heard of but not really considered before, during a particularly rough session, he had been using his fingers when I had a sharp pain, I stayed completely still as I realised he was trying to put his hand inside me, I backed away as best I could but he held my leg down and pushed, I started to cry silently, there was no point in letting him know how much it hurt, he would have taken pleasure in it.

He twisted his hand and kept up the pressure, I whispered “What are you doing?” trying to keep my voice steady “I want to get my hand in here” He was obviously highly aroused and was breathing hard, I had never wished for someone to have a heart attack in my life, but at that moment I was praying for one for him.

It got to a point where my insides were so sore and my pelvis had separated I had to move back until I couldn’t move anymore, he got the hint took his hand away and penetrated me climaxing in seconds.

I hurt so much, he had torn me, rubbed me raw inside and crushed my urethra making it hard for me to urinate, also when I got up in the morning I found that he must have irritated a nerve as I could hardly walk and bending was almost impossible with the pain in my back, I also think he damaged one of my fallopian tubes because even now I have a pain so bad it makes me cry out just on the left side, I have been sterilised so he could have twisted the tube or goodness knows what, I’m no doctor.

It took over a week to recover from that incident and when the shoulder tickle came the next time I wasn’t as keen to participate, “What’s the matter? Interested in someone else now?” he said when I was reluctant, “Of course not, but it took a long time to get over last time” “It will be easier this time”  Oh my god, he was being serious, but I knew if I said no he would tell me to go citing me being unfaithful, because you see he loved to make out I was a sex addict because I fancied him stupid and wanted to have an intimate relationship with him, he made it out to be a sordid obsession which he got no pleasure from, literally doing the deed then turning over farting and going to sleep.

That was my “love life” but as with a marriage I was in it for better or worse.

And so it began again, but I had insisted he use something to lubricate me, so he used Vaseline, it was a god send, stopped everything getting unbearably sore.

This time he got as far as second joint on his thumb, before I could take no more, “there you see you like it now don’t you” I didn’t dare say that my moans were from pain not pleasure.

Of course this made it worse because that’s all he wanted to do from then on, eventually he managed to get his whole hand inside me and would try to move it in and out, but my hips would separate and then close back around his wrist stopping him from pulling it out, any movement was agony, until I managed to convince him to twist his hand from side to side, it was still excruciating but at least he wasn’t going to break my pelvis.

Now what I need to explain at this point is his hands were huge.

His ring finger was a Z2.

If we did participate in “Normal intercourse” he would complain that it was like “Throwing a sausage into the albert hall” and if we carried on then he wouldn’t be able to feel anything anymore…. No concern about what I could feel of course.

After a few months of this I went to the doctors because I was suffering from stress incontinence, and had a prolapsed womb, I also have a pouch in by bowel, which makes it difficult to go to the toilet.

When I got home and explained that I had to go to see a gynaecologist about my problems he got a bit worried and that’s when it stopped.

It was only after I met my husband and blurted out why I am so loose “down there” that we found out how dangerous what he was doing was… If he had forced air inside my womb he could have killed me, or he could have ruptured my womb, he had already caused irreparable damage.

Like I have said before this is not a witch hunt, and I hope he has found happiness now, I want the pages of this website to be a testament to the lengths some people will go to in order to control.

I don’t hate him, I pity him, his actions speak far more loudly about his own insecurities than they do anything else, he needs help, he knows he needs help, but he is so concerned by other people’s opinions he will never make a good decision.

 

Break up

 

In February of 2013 we broke up, he had said he was taking the car for MOT and had been gone for over an hour longer than he said he would be, I tried ringing his phone and it just rang out.

I was concerned because there was snow on the roads and because he hadnt answered the phone I didnt know if he had been in an accident, so i drove round to the MOT station, when I got there it was in complete darkness so it was obvious they had been done for a while.

By this time I was fuming, I had an inkling that he wasnt telling me the truth, just by the way he was acting he had called earlier to say that the paperwork was just being printed and that he would be home soon, nearly an hour later and he still wasnt home.

So when I got back to the house 15 minutes later I rang his phone again, this time he answered it saying that he was on his way back.

I asked where he was and he said that he was on a road in the complete opposite direction from the MOT station.

(i now know it is the road where his girlfriend lives so im guessing he was hedging his bets even then) he said he had been in to see his friend who owns a little garage and had left his phone in the car- which he NEVER did.

I had an absolute melt down, Tea had been ready for over half an hour and he had promised to be home before that, I went upstairs and packed my things and frustration smashed a mirror, I can not tell you how sick of his attitude i was by then, always being taunted and made to feel jealous, never really knowing where he was, he loved it, keeping me on my toes, stressing me out of my mind.

This time i ws leaving and i wasnt coming back.

He got back and came upstairs and went mad about the mirror, I was too upset to talk to him, he continued to have a go at me, shouting and calling me names.

I know to a certain point I had brought this on myself because of the mirror, but after 4 years of being treated like a fool and not worthy of respect this was the final straw. I went to Davids sister's and spent the night deciding what to do, I had arrived there in tears not knowing if I had done the right thing but by morning I had decided that I was moving out, getting a job and moving on with my life.

By the time I came out of my room that day I had set up an appointment with a potential house share, booked an appointment at the job centre and had already listed 5 or 6 potential jobs.

I wasnt prepared to waste another second on this person.

We had a lovely week, I didnt hear anything from David at all and had decided to go to the Gym with Anna (Davids sister) on the Saturday about a week after leaving him, I realised I had left my trainers at his, I asked if Anna wouldnt mind getting them for me as she needed to go out anyway and she said she would, I was going to see the children, their dad was bringing them over as I didnt have the money or fuel to see them. 

When I got back a few hours later Anna was really upset, apparently David was devastated that I had been making plans like moving out and getting a job, my response was "devastated enough not to contact me all week" Anna said "yes but to be fair you have always gone back before" I looked at her and said "yes but how many times do i have to leave and go back before he realises if he make a promise to change, thats what has to happen for me to stay?" She agreed with me and asked what I was intending to do, I said i had no intention of going back, he had more chances than a little to show that he cared and every time had gone straight back to how he was before.

I had secured the house share and just needed to sort out a job, my stepdad had allowed me to borrow the money i needed to give the deposit.

The next few hours I was bombarded with texts from him trying to get me to talk to him, but all I heard was the same old stuff and like before seemed genuinely upset that I wasnt going back.

That didnt stop him texting me into the night after I refused to talk to him, and in the end I text back something I knew would annoy him just to try to get him to leave me alone, unfortunatley it had the opposite effect and he turned up on the door step, calling me all the names under the sun, Anna was shocked by his attitude, by now I was used to it, so in one way it was an eye opener for her, she tried to mediate between us I didnt want to go back, and now it seemed David didnt want me back either, but I couldnt undertand why he wouldnt just go home, in the end Anna went to bed when we had both calmed down and left us to talk.

He went home after asking me out to dinner, to try to sort things out.

We went out the next evening, I was feeling the old pull towards him again and hated myself for not being able to say no, but I was determind to live somewhere else and get a job, and explained all this to him at dinner, it certainly turned the heat down. After he drove to a little lane not far from Annas, I wondered how he had found this little nook, but pushed it from my mind, it was the first time in ages he had taken the intiative, to be honest I think I knew then it was the beginning of the end for our relationship, I know he had been seeing someone else, probably his girlfriend now, and Im glad she did. I went back for a short time, during that time I had a call from the people I was to house share with saying that they needed the room back for a relative that was coming to live, knowing what i do now I'd bet my bottom Dollar that David went round and told them to get me out. Like he stopped me being friends with various male friends when we first got together. After that my Granddad became ill and passed away, as soon as I told David I was not in the will he lost all interest in me.

20 days after my Granddads funeral David had stopped talking to me altogether and it became obvious that it was time to leave, laughably he accused me of seeing someone else, but having been threatened with various forms of grisly death if i ever cheated on him, it wasnt something I had ever considered.

Three weeks later I was told he had said that he needed to keep something someone wanted to buy for "his girlfriend who has horses" so he didnt waste anytime at all replacing me.

I thank my angels everyday for that woman who took my place, I hope to goodness that she is getting on better than I did, but then that wouldnt be difficult as she doesnt need to live with him, he will like the fact she is close enough to keep an eye on but far enough away that he can do what he likes....... which i bet he is taking full advantage of.

 

 

 

Tied by apron strings

 

I had met his mother about 3 weeks after meeting him, and Joan seemed really nice, she still did all the accounts book work for the business, being well into her 80’s I thought she was amazing!

We got on quite well for quite a while, but unfortunately she lost her partner a few months after we met, it was so sad, John was a lovely man, one I would have liked to get to know a bit better,  after that Joan seemed to lose her purpose a bit and wanted to spend her time helping David (My partner) but because they were very similar, and David harboured deep resentment toward her from his childhood it always turned into an argument of epic proportions usually with me being the one to cop the wrath of both of them.

My view on it by the time I left was if Joan was coming over- I was going out.

The biggest bone of contention between the pair was the amount of money David spent, of course he didn’t want me to work and therefore had to provide for me as well as Daniel who was now living with us, Sarah, Daniels mum refused to give David any of the money she got for Daniel, i.e. child benefit or tax credits, and he would never force the issue.

This seemed madness to me, she was at best a liar and a fraud- various things she did over the course I was there allowed me to make this judgement, and worse of all she was a stool pigeon to David, if she saw me out anywhere she would text him and tell him.

Anyway I digress, so one afternoon Joan was coming over to get the invoices for the books, which I had gotten ready as best I could, the problem was David was as messy as they got and if he needed something would just nip out and get it, but I wouldn’t get the invoice, it would be left in the car or in his trousers, so I often had to go and search for them when Joan got the bank statement.

So She pulled into the driveway and David was sat in the kitchen having a cup of tea “Oh for fucks sake what does she want?”  Being as nice as he normally was about his mum, I should have picked up on THAT a lot sooner.

“She has come for the invoices for the books” I said putting the kettle on again, Joan is now at the door “Couie! It’s only me!” She called as she came in “Come in Joan, do you want a cup of tea?” “No Lovvie thank you I’m not stopping, Just wanted to drop this list in to you if you can collect them up before the end of this week it would help” I took the list from her and said “I can give you most of these now if you like or would you like them all at the same time?”

“Bring them all together if that’s ok, I know where I am then! How’s David then?” He had just been drinking his tea quietly up until then, “I’m ok thanks, just having a cup of tea before getting on with some bits in the yard”

“While you are both here, I wanted to go through something in the books with you, there is too much personal spending and you need to pull your horns in or you will be in trouble before long”

Now I don’t know about anyone else but this was the only relationship where anyone over 18 allowed their mum access to all their bank records enabling them to make judgements on their spending, and to be honest it rankled me, she had all the credit card statements, and if I was getting any presents or anything of course I would need to use money from his accounts because I wasn’t earning and let’s face it, it was just another form of control, he saw everything I spent and if I got cash out he would want receipts and the change so I couldn’t spend anything without him knowing.

With money comes independence, he even controlled what money was given as maintenance to my children.

So of course as soon as she said that they BOTH looked at me, I sat down and said “so where are we spending too much?”

At this point Joans voice rose and octave in pitch and took on a self-satisfied tone, “Well how many times a week do you NEED to go to Tescos?”

I knew at that moment this was going to turn in to a lets lynch the girlfriend exercise.

I looked at her and said “I have no idea, what you class as “Normal”?”

She frowned and looked at David and raised her eyebrows at him almost questioning if he was going to let me talk to her like that.

He looked over to me addressing his question to her said “How many times did we go in the month?”

I didn’t think she would possibly have counted, but yes she had.

She took out a notepad and looked down the list.

“Hang on….Tesco’s… Tesco’s”

Leading me to think what the heck else did she have on her list to have to look for it?!

“Ah Tesco’s, 26 times”

He looked at me as if I had killed someone, “And there is nothing in the cupboard to eat is there?”

I looked at him thinking I can’t believe it, so I got up walked to the cupboard and took some cans out and some packets, went to the freezer and took a few thinks out of that put them into groups that would make a meal and there were plenty of meals to last us a while.

I said to Joan, “The trouble is Joan, if the boys can’t eat it NOW they think it’s not there, and ask me to “POP” to Tesco’s, so you are right we probably did go there that many times, but it wasn’t because I had forgotten something”

She looked a bit pissed off, so went to the next item on the list.

I listened as I put the food away, she was going on about a payment to an online company for about £45.00, her voice was getting more and more high pitched and whiney and I could tell it was getting on David’s nerves.

“What’s this for?” he said to me, I looked at the company it had been paid to and had to admit that it wasn’t one I recognised, I knew I was going to be for the high jump if I couldn’t work it out as I was the only one who made payments online, luckily the amount rang a bell with me, so I walked into the office and had a look through the paperwork I had put to go to Joan’s and found one for Norton antivirus, which we had bought for Joan’s computer.

I walked back through with it into what was them both hissing through their teeth at each other, they both stopped when I walked in only adding to my unease- I handed the paperwork to Joan and pointed out the Merchant name, and said “This is it, I didn’t recognise the name as it goes through a third party payment site”

That’s all it took, David blew up “so you are saying that you are giving MY credit card details out on websites you don’t know are secure?”

“Davids right, you shouldn’t even be using his cards anyway” said Joan

Knowing where this was going I threw my hands in the air “Ok then, you do it.”

“What do you mean “You do it?”

“Exactly that, you are both right, I shouldn’t be using you cards, and I didn’t know that the website was safe, but as it was Norton I thought it would be fine, so from now on You can do it, either of you I don’t mind. Take the load off me”

“Oh here we go, sorry for me attitude coming in again, you have such a hard life don’t you?”

He said looking at his mum with a condescending air.

“Actually when you mention it yes I do, I keep track of your paperwork, do your filing, order stuff on the internet for you, keep track of audits for the business (7 all counted) making sure the paperwork for each is all in order at the right times, work for you at busy periods all day outside and then come in and do the housework and keep you all fed, I keep on top of the washing because that is ALL I can do with it (I used to do 2 washes at least a day and there was always more by the end of the day)

Keeping the house tidy is a nightmare because you are both incapable of picking anything up”

“Whoa hang on a minute, I used to do that every day and more hard work than you when I was here” said Joan

“Yes but you had  a husband who supported you, and helped you if you needed it not tore you off a strip if something wasn’t done to his liking, you had two children who you could punish if they didn’t do as you asked, I am a step parent and I have none of the support you had”

“Excuses excuses, if you weren’t so messy yourself you might do better!”

“Well if those two are going to tear through her every evening like dirty tornados I don’t see why it should be tidy for them in the first place, if they had an ounce of respect for their things it would help.”

So just because they dirty it up, you can’t be bothered to keep it clean?”

“No because she doesn’t give a shit about anything, you only have to look at how she left her kids to know that.”

I looked at him with utter horror, he knew the reasons behind me having to leave and he was throwing THAT in my face?

“Fine, if that’s how you think I feel then go ahead and think it, but it isn’t the truth” I turned and walked into the living room and sat on the couch.

Joan walked in after me, “we haven’t finished discussing the books”

“It’s nothing to do with me anymore, I will have the paperwork ready for you to collect next week, after that David will be doing it”

“Oh now you are being pathetic, just accept that you were in the wrong and get on with it”

“In the wrong for what, doing as I was asked? Getting the antivirus for your computer? Or using his cards? Because if any of that was wrong then I won’t be doing any of it anymore, I can’t get into trouble if I’m not involved can I?” Oh how wrong I was!

“STOP IT! You are being STUPID, he needs your help! So stop making it difficult, all we are saying (YES WE- they had ganged up now) is you need to stop using the cards as much!”

“Oh so I use the cards all the time do I? SO what about when David goes out on his own then? And he uses the cards??”

She looked at me like I was stupid, “Well that’s ok- they ARE his cards”

“It’s not ok if I’m getting blamed for using the cards and I’m not!!”

“David ALWAYS used to save his money, and now its being frittered away”

I knew I was never going to win, it was always those two against me, none of his family would ever tell him what they actually thought.

He had a get out of jail free card every time, because they were pretty much afraid of what people thought of them, superficial and at times difficult to read.

The only person which was to show herself to be a good friend was his sister, a beautiful person inside and out, very much misunderstood and used and abused- we became fast friends.

In fact it was her I ran to on a number of occasions when things got too much, of course He preferred it that way because he could keep an eye on what I was doing, he only had to pick up the phone and he would know I was there or not.

But that is another story….

 

 

 

 

Green eyed monster

Green eyed monster

And so it began, we had been together about 8 weeks, when I got a text from a friend from work asking how I was getting on as he hadn’t seen me for a few weeks, I hadn’t been well and had been staying with my new partner to see how things went.

We had met at my work place where I was a security officer he had from the start showered me with compliments, I always wondered what a good looking guy like him saw in someone like me, it didn’t quite sit right, looking back I guess it was how he wanted me to feel, lucky to be with him.

But in between the compliments he would put doubt in my mind, would point at women he knew in the street and say, she came on to me last year, one woman came up to him and practically pushed me out of the way to smile in his face… he said that she had invited him to share a bottle of wine with him while her husband was on nights, he said he hadn’t gone but I didn’t believe him, there was something very intimate in the way they spoke.

Even his next door neighbours wife was pointed out he said she has bumped into him in Tesco’s asking if he had found what he wanted for tea, he said “Not yet” she replied “I have” looking him up and down licking her lips… that one was a tad farfetched especially when I got to know her, she was lovely and I couldn’t bring myself to believe that she would be like that, especially when she spoke to her husband, it was obvious she loved him a lot.

It wasn’t long before I was questioning why this guy wasn’t married or at least in a long term relationship with all these ladies buzzing around him, what happened next explained quite a bit.

We were spending the night in watching a film when my phone went off, a message had come through.

As soon as the phone beeped, I could tell he was on edge- so when I looked at the text I was honest and told him who it was, not thinking for a second it would be a problem, I mean everyone has male friends right?

He started off with a bit of a hurt expression and said “I thought we were having a quiet night together?”

I said “of course we are, I can’t turn my phone off in case there is an emergency with the children!”

“Besides, it’s only one text and if I don’t answer him straight away it won’t turn into a conversation will it?” thinking this would appease him I put the phone back on the arm of the chair and went to sit back with him as we had been, he shoved me forward and said “have you got something to hide, is that why you don’t want to answer him in front of me?”

I looked at him a bit shocked and shook my head not really knowing what to say, damned if I do and damned if I didn’t by the look of it… “ok so you want me to answer him?”

“unless you would rather do it in PRIVATE?” the “private” was said in a sarcastic way with him pulling an awful disgusted face *I have found writing these stories very difficult, it’s hard to get the intonation right, but if you have been in a similar situation you will get it- its not always what they say its HOW they say it, if you haven’t experienced it I hope to goodness you never have to! I will write notes like this in order to try to explain the attitude behind the words if not already obvious.

“I certainly do not have anything to hide, this guy has a girlfriend and two children for goodness sake!” I picked up the phone then he snatched it out of my hand, and looked at the text.

I watched as the anger seemed to build and then spread across his face, he looked at me and said “So why has he put a kiss on it?”

To be perfectly honest it isn’t something I take a lot of notice of, it’s something I do almost as a matter of course I always add an “x” at the end of most texts to friends and family, it’s just what I do, so I don’t read much into someone else putting one, It would be a bit mad to assume just because someone put a “x” on the end of a message that they were head over heels for me!!

“Well I wouldn’t like to say it means anything because I always put one on most of my messages too”

As soon as the words left my mouth I wish I could have taken them back, because he went mad, he jumped up threw the phone at me and said “Don’t forget to put loads on there to him then, I don’t want him to think I’d changed you in anyway, or that you would put me first or anything”

He was pacing the room like a caged lion being prodded through the bars, and I knew whatever I said from this moment on would be taken the wrong way so I stayed silent.

“Go on then, don’t keep lover boy waiting, he will be wondering if I have you locked up unable to use your phone!”

He picked up the phone and dropped it into my lap, I looked down at it, my insides had turned to liquid and I felt sick.

“Do you want me to go?” I looked up at his towering 6’3” frame looming over me and suddenly felt really frightened, but not if he would attack me or if my life was in danger, but because I didn’t want to go… mad, here he was in a jealous rage over one innocuous text and I was worried he would want me to leave?! it may not be obvious but this is how people like this get you hooked, I know now I wasn’t in love, I think I was just so happy he liked me that I was prepared to put up with his jealousy.. It meant he really loved me…Didn’t it?!

“You want to go? What right now? ... you want to go and meet HIM don’t you? You want to get your kisses in person?”

By this stage I was completely panicked, he was going to tell me to go any minute, It was already gone 10pm I would have to go all the way to Cambridge and stay at my mums, but that wasn’t the issue, I NEEDED to be with him, I loved him didn’t want to be without him, he was like a drug, but not a good one, he weakened my self-respect, had all but destroyed my confidence, but at that time I didn’t see it like that, I was fighting a losing battle against myself, I knew it was wrong so why was I allowing it to happen?

“I meant if I am upsetting you then I should go, I don’t want to meet him, that’s not what I meant I want to stay if you will have me?”

“Have you? *laughing… sounds like most of the people you worked with have “HAD” you, I must admit you aren’t bad in bed and are good with your mouth so …”

I knew that second what was coming next, oh god no…

“Have you blown him?”

I looked up at him now incredulous, I felt sick to my stomach, and I couldn’t believe he was even asking me… “Of course not, he has a girlfriend!”

“So did I when we got together, it didn’t bother you then”

“That’s not fair, you told me you ‘Saw a woman twice a month and it wasn’t serious, and that you were talking about not being together anymore’ so don’t throw that in my face!”

“Yeah and? You didn’t even ask me if I had a girlfriend!”

“That’s right because I didn’t think you would be interested in starting a relationship if you were with someone, it’s not really all that normal to approach someone and flirt with them if you are partnered!”

“yeah well at least I told you before we did anything”

I was now feeling so unwell I wanted to go, I picked up my phone and put it in my handbag and looked around to find my car keys, not wanting this to go any further as I knew his son was asleep upstairs.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to go, this is ridiculous- we are going to wake Daniel at this rate, and all over a stupid text.”

I had actively encouraged him to spend quality time with his son as he had missed out on his early years due to Daniels mum being a pain (according to him), so whenever he got the chance Daniel stayed over and had mentioned a number of times that he would like to live with his dad, “Now he had someone there who could drive and help him get to school if his dad was busy”, I didn’t object, in fact Daniel was a good kid, if a bit messy, like father like son!

“If you go now, I will think you have gone to meet him and then this will never work”

“And you think this is working now with you being like this, if you don’t trust me now what hope have we got later down the line?”

He was still pacing at this point, and although I had been reluctant to leave earlier there had been a shift in the atmosphere and all I wanted to do at that point was get out!

“How can I trust you? We haven’t known each other five minutes, I mean you could leave from here and shag every bloke on your phone list for I know, starting with him”  he said pointing at my handbag where my phone was now beeping.

I looked down but ignored it, when I looked back up the rage was etched onto his face, he looked like a mad man.

“Well answer it you fucking slag, why are you so worried about it?”

I pulled the phone from my bag and looked at the new text, one from O2.

I showed it to him, then went to the text from my friend, well soon to be ex friend. I typed in “Hiya sorry for late text, now going to bed will catch up soon” no kiss.

“If you loved me you would change your number so we don’t keep having this” gesturing between us as if it was as much my fault as his… well I think in his eyes it was.

“Why should I change my number? I have had it for years and its going to be a hassle getting the number to people that I don’t have a number for. Are you going to change yours?”

“How can I change mine, it’s my business phone, besides I don’t have women randomly texting me do I, you walk in here with your big words and your holier than thou attitude and dictate to me, when it’s YOU that’s being a slag. His voice was getting louder and louder, and for the next four hours he berated me.

I can’t remember exactly what was said, the tirade was only punctuated with me crying at the insults he threw at me, bringing up all the little things I had told him in confidence, using every word as a weapon.

These are too personal and I would feel violated should they be laid bare for the public at large.

There are things which I will talk about at a later date which are hugely intimate and leave me open to ridicule, these things only three people know about one being my husband the others being the two ladies who know HIM intimately, but just so you know how far the depravity goes I will impart them, again in the hope that these horrific events will help someone get out of a dangerous situation.

Eventually breaking point came, and he had just finished shouting at me about my conduct when he changed tact, I refused to respond and he was getting more angry, he was pushing every button but nothing was working until he had a eureka moment then uttered these words…

“You only want Daniel here so YOU have to be here!”

I broke down at that “You bastard!” - got up picked up my handbag and walked out of the house with him in my face the whole time goading me,

When I got to the car I realised I had left the keys on the kitchen table, So I walked back to get them, he barred my way at the door saying “I told you if you left, you couldn’t come back in” So I asked for my keys, he went and got them and dangled them in my face, when I went to take them he dropped them on the floor.

I picked them up turned on my heel and got in my car, he was right there holding my door so I couldn’t close it, he said “So where are you going to go now then? Going to see you mate?”

I just looked at him and started the engine, “Oh not talking now?”

“Let go of the door please”

“Not until you answer me”

“Why do you even want to know?”

“Because I care about you and need to know you are going to be safe!”  See what he did there? There was genuine concern in his voice and a bit of regret, too little too late in my eyes

Then came the sentence which made me flip out completely… red mist? This was blinding like all-encompassing rage which I never knew ran within me.

“Please don’t go I love you!”

I went crazy, I was hysterical, I cupped my hand and hit him around the right ear making it bleed, stepped out of the car with my right foot giving me a bit of room to manoeuvre, I screamed like a banshee “LOVE… ha ha ha You wouldn’t know LOVE IF IT BIT YOU ON THE ARSE!!!!”

Up came my left hand around the other ear, the right punched him straight in the face, his arms came up to protect himself, one hand holding his right ear.

He lunged to grab the keys siting that I was unfit to drive “In that state” and I would end up killing someone, slammed the car door and locked it, and tried to stop me screaming at him by putting his arms around me and trying to get me back in the house.

I broke away crying so hard I could hardly breathe, I didn’t know what to do, where to go, and who would help me all I wanted was to be left alone, he came up behind me and apologised I couldn’t understand why he would act like that with me, I had never done anything to hurt him and didn’t intend on doing so, but this merry go round of emotions was to continue for the entire 4 years I was with him, yes I stayed, yes I was stupid, but it taught me a lot of valuable lessons.

All of which I will be listing on the website towards the end of my entries, it’s important to remember the lessons, or every bit of pain you go through will be for nothing.

A bit more about the lady who was with HIM before me….

I now know that the lady who he had been with before me, was completely unaware of my existence and was until I left him, when I contacted her in order to ask if he had been the same with her.

 I had found out almost a year into the relationship that they had in fact been engaged and although seeing each other every two weeks was true to a point, this other lady had been as dedicated to him as I was.

We now talk regularly as we both do with the lady who he was with before her, I need to point out that we were all victims, and to a certain point were played off each other, as the image he portrayed about each of us was not anything like how we actually are, and I feel privileged to have been able to speak to both ladies at length about the trauma and destruction he caused us all, and have found it quite interesting that we have ALL gone into similar fields of work, in helping others with various holistic and talking therapies, those of you who know me know I am studying Psychology and Counselling and one of the other ladies did the same course, but branched in a different area to the one I will be pursuing.

We also share a common bond which was a legacy of the relationship with him, we all have similar illnesses, both I and the lady before me are on the same medication for life and both were investigated for heart problems. This, my doctor told me was a direct result of the stress I had been under for the amount of time I was with him.

 So although you might think you can cope and you will be fine physically, the long term effects of the stress from emotional abuse can be as damaging as being punched regularly- it may be a good time to mention that emotional wounds take far longer to heal, if they ever do.

My advice is be kind to YOURSELF, if they show little or no respect for you LEAVE.

Easy words for me? Actually no, I was devastated when I left, but I knew I couldn’t stay any more, besides, he had moved on by that stage, if he hadn’t got someone else lined up, he would have hounded me, but I was strong enough to resist this time as he did have a half assed attempt at getting me back, but that is another story.

 

 

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